It hurts so much...

Sitting down looking at the screen,
My eyes,   Gaped open    Like Death has come to me

All those months   You've kept quiet
Those silent warnings   Hit us hard

I can feel   These hearts you've nutured along
Break like crystal   Into a million directions
Each one confused and lost

"You should've told" They all say
You stayed quiet   Knowing what's done is done
You knew   That some of them knew too

But alas   Even they could not accept it well
Tears that have become rain as you looked on

Those quiet warnings   became one's nightmare
To know   "It happened"

"I know  I'm sorry"   You've answered

But then   A miracle happened
Those shattered crystal pieces  Started to link   To each other

One by one   Let's be close by
And promise,   we will continue to be there for you

For now...

Ayabie is no more.... Yet my heart tells me they'll still be Ayabie... My mind instead answers back "No, it's not. It's not the same anymore."

For more than a year I followed, this breaks my heart more than all the animals and my grandmother who passed away.

Now, with four of them leaving the label and one stayed behind... No, it's no longer the same anymore.

For my fanfics, seeing this news, suddenly made me lose that touch to write on....

I feel at loss...






But my heart and mind have a same thing in common: They're both stubborn. Very, very stubborn.

Trained to accept both good and bad outcomes no matter what, they suddenly worked together and tell me not to break down, stand up, and write this out, explain yourself. I did.

So here is an announcement from me, as a good friend I try to be to all:

I'll still be around LJ, stalking you without notice or not. I'll still update my journal, but no longer in a usual time. I have exams, so I must be concentrating for that now.

But for my fanfics... They're my treasure, my relief medicine to ease out stress, my way to write and share my writings to all. Destroying the, is useless, so they will still be there. The stories will always be there for you to let you read...

For now, until I can find back that touch again, I'll put my writing activity in hiatus

Until around my time after the exams, I should use much of my time to properly recuperate myself... to be that 'me' that cares no obstacle that comes by... to be that 'me' that has endless fascinating things to tell you... to be that 'me' that will bring you out from sadness and despair...

For now, I too, am broken like some of you. Until then, until I can write stories again and be myself, I can no longer say "That's all" in each greeting to end this...

Let's all say "We'll meet again"...

The fingers on the piano keys...

Lying down with my head on the piano
My fingers fluttering across the keys
Each humming out its melody

I could not help but chuckle and smile
These melody that played out with truth and innocence
Untainted by my self    Who is full of lies and buried truths

I wonder why    Did I pretend to happy and fine?
I wonder when   Did I even thought about pretending?
I wonder how    Did I did not expect the unexpected?
I wonder what   That made me live in a lie?

It hurts   For I    Who swore that I would not lie
Yet I did    Thinking it's for the sake for everyone
Including I

What a grave mistake
Sooner or later   Everyone heard    Everyone talked
Everyone asked    Everyone pointed at I

Looking at them through those monochrome keys
With my loss eyes    I laugh

"Do you want me to play a tune?" I did not hear their answers
My fingers now fluttered across the piano
Each touching a different key 

I played my emotions   The truth inside me
The one that hurts so much    That a drop of tear dripped to my hands

More followed    Onto my thin shirt   Onto the keys
My heart could not stop me crying

I still smiled    I'm playing out my truth   My confession
And continued on

Without regret...
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For everyone including Ayabie, let's not lie for the sake of everyone and yourself. The truth hurts, but it heals faster than keeping on a lie.

I hope everyone can recuperate and know that we have to move on.